What I learned continued - 10/8/08  

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Last night I spent some time with a co-worker/friend of mine. This woman has opened my eyes to so many different things and has renewed a lot of who I am. Somewhere along this journey of life I lost who I was - what drives me to success. Somewhere along the way while becoming a mom, my focus changed.

Growing up I knew that I was going to be a great attorney. I knew that I wanted to defend those who needed help. I wanted to save the world. I was not religious. I was never attached to a church because the only time I went was with my grandparents during the month I was with during summer break. But my family instilled a love of learning in me and pushed me hard to succeed. It was so bad that I spent so much time in school that I graduated high school with an extra year of classes and I had college credits behind me.

I was tough and mean. I pushed through anything and anyone to get what I wanted and to be where I needed to be. Then I got pregnant - a single mom - and I had to move into a shelter. I was forced to learn about God in order to have a roof over my head. I still did what I needed to do to survive even though it was against my nature. I had to change and become submissive in order to survive. I HATED IT!!!!

I am not someone who enjoys church for the things I would ave learned but went for the people. I am not a people pleaser but a survivor. This woman opened my eyes to the fact that I am going to have to change again in order to survive in my new job. Because I am a strong woman who is intelligent and a force to reckon with, I am seen as a hard ass, and not a team player.

In order for me to maintain what my family needs, I have to again change a part of who I am but at the same time this woman is opening my eyes to politics and renewing my love for crafts and poetry. I am able to find myself because of just a few emails and links she shares. I am able to find me again but that is a force that will be hard to control in a corporate environment.

She made a valid point to me - either you become grey and lose a part of yourself, which you will end up hating the fact you changed or I find a new job.

So I am again at crossroads in my life. I am a survivor so what choice do I have but to become grey, right? Wrong!!!!

I will become a team player and listen and not be so loud at work. But at home, I will be voltuneering my time at the polls. I will be sharing my medical story with our government to help make a difference for our children here in California. I will be blogging and opening my mouth as much as I can to do my part an make a difference in this world. I will get my children involved in helping others. I will teach my girls to be strong and proud. I will teach my girls that just because we need to survive does not mean that we need to lose who we are.

I will watch who I open up to at my office. I will maintain a small group of friends who are willing to tell me my faults and stop me from making a fool of myself. I will continue to learn from those artists (men and women) who inspire me at the office to be a stronger woman. Who share blogs and links and sayings that open my mind to new ideas. I will continue to grow and be outspoken but only when it calls for it. As for now, I will sit back and I will watch others and I will keep those close to me that I believe are good people.


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