What I learned today 10.8.08  

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

As we go through this crazy thing called life there are times when we gain insight into who we are and where we are heading. Sometimes we just learn new aspects about ourselves that we need to change. Today was the latter one for me.

Today, I have learned that I am a horrible judge in men's character. I already knew that I tend to jump from guy to guy to guy but after making a list of the men that I have recently been hooked up with or linked to this is what I came up with:

Current Guy (September 08 to present): ex-husband whom I decided to date again - I believe he could be a good guy but - he lies constantly even over little stupid things, I feel like I am his mom because even though he gave everything up to move to California a month, I thought he would take the initative to get his education and get a job. Instead, I was the one who called the school to get the information. I was the one who called all the companies around us to see who was hiring and I made a spreadsheet. Granted I am looking for a second job but I contacted 53 places in 4 hours when it took him 2 weeks to contact 10 places!! We have a kid together and he smirks when she is mean to me. He likes the fact that she listens to him and not me. He jumps to conclusions all the time about stupid stuff. Tells stories. Tries to bad mouth my friends to me. He keeps secrets. Hangs up on me when we are talking and then ignores me - when I am the one paying the bills. There is more but I think this is enough for now.

Guy 2 (April to September 08): this is a co-worker (he works in the field and I don't see him). A guy who had been trying to get me to go out with him for over a year but I was always with someone else. Then this past April I did go out with him and enjoyed my time with him. Over the past few months we have spent time together at my home. I have told him I wanted to go out on dates and we would make plans and he would cancel last minute. It was mostly sexual all the time with him but a lot of talking on the phone and cuddling. He was always joking about all the other women he had. Lots of minds games and he made me cry a lot. He would not open up to me and be honest with how he felt so I went back to my ex-husband. Bad move? Maybe. But like I said I jump from guy to guy to guy. I hate being alone. Anyways, since then we have talked and seen each other a couple of times. I miss him a lot and he says he misses me but then he still plays these stupid head games and he is never open about his feelings. I am tired of it. He hurts my feelings a lot. He starts to open up and then he gets mad at me. Today he got mean over the phone and said, 'Oh, are you going to cry? I want to hear you cry.' How wrong is that? I hate that I like him.

Guy 3 (December 07 to May 08): this is a friend of my neighbors that I hooked up with after a hard break-up and I just wanted someone to sleep with. Yes, see a pattern here. We enjoyed those times a lot. But he wanted me to be a secret (even though everyone knew) and he did not want to date anyone (even though he has a girlfriend now - just two weeks after we last talked about hooking up). He can get mean but there were times when he cried in front of me when he talked about Iraq and he experience there and the death of his friend. Also, he would smirk when he saw me and would stare at me whenever he was over there. He started to open up and then got mean. I could still sleep with him if I wanted but nothing more. :-(

Guy 4 (April to May 08): this is a tough one. He is the best friend of my ex-boyfriend back in 2007 whom I really loved. Never knew I liked this guy until 4 days before he mentioned he was dating another girl. It was a Sunday, he was all loving and kissing with me and it hit me. Then Thursday came and he announced he was dating someone else. I had to walk away because he is one of my best friends now and I would never want to lose that. I want him happy.

Guy 5 (December 07 to April 08): this is another tough one. He is a good guy that followed after his dreams and was really good to me and my daughters. But he is the best friend of my ex-boyfriend in 2007 and my best friend's ex-boyfriend from 2006. So a little bit of drama - not from my ex but my best friend. It started out being just someone I could cuddle up with the day after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up and we ended spending a lot of time together. We had an understanding that we would date but never get serious because he wanted to marry someone and I never wanted to get married again. Plus we were both in love with other people.

Ex-boyfriend (March 07 to November 07): no clue what happened here. He was my best friend, my lover, my world. He was everything I ever needed and everything I never knew I needed. He told me the same. He told all his friends I was the it girl. He lived in Washington due to the military and I was here (where he was from). We dated for 8 months and only saw each for 8 days. Towards then end he got mean. I got clingy because he pulled away and I had no clue what was going on. Then the day he broke up with me over the Internet - the day after thanksgiving 2007 - he told me that he was breaking up with me because I was fat and he never wanted kids and I had them. This was a man who had talked about us getting handfasted, who started moving his stuff into my house, who told me I was his better half. My best friend. In a flash it was gone. He got mean after that. We tried to be friends but he told me he still cared and hated that those emotions came up so he never wanted to talk to me again. I was devastated and I still am.

So these are the guys in my life. Only one I do not keep in contact with. Two of them are still friends. One is still the neighbor's friend and we party with him. The other is still a co-worker.

What I have learned is that I have not given myself time to heal from my ex-boyfriend. I truly did love him and learned so much from him. I am not quite over the relationship because I have no understanding of what happened and why. I have no clue what I did wrong and I will never know. So I am taking the positive things I learned from the relationship

1. I can love completely

2. I can trust completely

3. I don't have to always be in control

4. It's nice to have the man lead

5. I like cooking with my partner

6. I like planning things out with my partner

7. I like working as a team in a relationship

8. I want my partner to love me completely

9. I want my partner to be my best friend

10. I want my partner to someone I can learn from

and there is so much more. What I learned today is that I am jumping into stupid relationships (or whatever you want to call them) that I don't believe will work because I still want my ex-boyfriend. I am stuck in this crazy pattern and have no clue how to stop it. Maybe me recognizing it now might do the trick but at the moment, I care for three men - guy 1, guy 2 and ex.

None of those men will treat me the way I want to be treated. None of those men are good for me even though I still have hope one of them will be. I am confused and unsure of myself. I want so desperately to be happy and to find someone to be with forever. I want my happily ever after.
Does it exist anymore? Am I able to have it? What is the secret to it? Can I make it happen in any relationship? Still so much to learn. :-)

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