My crazy life  

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I am still unsure how to go about this whole blog thing. Not sure if I am making mistakes or doing things right. I read a lot of blogs lately and I have so many questions. I thought about this blog and what I want it to represent. I want it to be a site where others who might go through the same struggles that I go through can learn from or share their experiences that I may learn from them.

My life is not as easy as I want it to be. I have so many struggles and its my own fault. Yesterday after talking to my boss after work, I learned a few things about me. Things I already knew but just could not describe them. So let me tell you a little bit about me as a child.

Growing up I moved around a lot. My parents where in the army until my mom left when I was 2 years old. My parents got divorced when I was 5. My dad stayed in Germany while my mom came back to the states. My mom worked two jobs and went to school in order to better her life and take care of me. She did it with little help. During the summers, I would travel to Jersey to spend time with my dad's parents (my mom's were deceased). I loved those times.

My first grade was spent with my grandparents while my mom finished school and got married to her second husband. Things got a little crazy here. I did not know my mom was getting married so when I came back to live with her, I was in for a surprise. It was her, my new step dad, his youngest daughter (who was 19) and her daughter (who was 6 months). We still lived in Oklahoma but my life was changed. I was an only child and spoiled. My step-dad was okay for awhile.

After second grade I spent the summer with my grandparents like normal. I always had fun with them. Going up in the glider plane, swimming at the 'Y', eating philly cheese steaks after church at the dinner right in front of the church. Walking the dog nightly and just having fun with the neighbors. Oh and who could forget my time at the comic book store on the boardwalk. It was great to be a kid with them. When I left them, instead of going back to Oklahoma, I went to California. Another new school, in a new town. By this time, we had already moved 6 times. I had to start all over again - new friends, new life - more adjustments.

Over the years my mom's marriage began to fail and I watched as my step dad got more drunk and became abusive. My mom says they were just playing around - but to see you mom punched in the face and given a bloody nose is not playing around. To see your mom running from the bedroom and being bent over a chair to be spanked with a belt screaming for me to call the police and being told if I did I would get hit, is not playing around. Denial!!!!!

More moves and then I moved in with my dad. Oh, don't get me started there. I had to grow up fast. So much craziness happened there. I was left home 8 days out of the month because he had to go into the field. My neighbors were supposed to watch me and check in on me but they did not care. I spent a lot of time at home or my friends houses. I did the grocery shopping, laundry and made sure my dad ate. I understand times where tough and there was no other choice. But it still was a hard lesson to learn.

By this time I had moved 12 times (I was only 12). Building friendships was hard for, I always had to leave and start over again. I could never let people get close to me. I have had to be independent since I was 12. I have had to take care of myself since I was 12. I had to watch and be apart of abuse and was told it never happened. Even now, it is still denied or I am told that I am making up stories.

My mom never told me she loved me - she always bought me things. She never hugged me. But I remember how much I loved her singing her army song to me at night. My dad was affectionate. He made sure that I knew how much he cared about me. I worked hard in school and got really good grades. Honor roll and played sports. I worked hard at everything so I could get away. I wanted to be an attorney so bad. Make money and never have kids.

Oh, how life has changed for me. One thing though is that I have realized that I failed in so many areas and was never taught key things in life - how to maintain relationship and build deep connections. I am always fake and always have my guard up.

Even now, I want so desperately to be liked and to have friendships that I tend to buy people off by having people over all the time and cooking for them. At work, I talk a lot about my personal life to build those connections. I forget to pay attention to them. In personal relationships with men, I fail because I want so desperately to be loved and to not be alone. I hated being alone as a kid - I was so scared all the time because I was too young to mentally handle what was going on.

I see men as those who will abuse me and leave me. I don't see men as the providers because my mom was always having to do. When it was me and my dad, I was having to do it. I have learned I can only rely on myself. I am 32 almost 33 and I am tired of being the only one. I want someone who can help me and take some of this weight off my shoulders. But no, I am stuck in a relationship currently with a man who is another child to me because I want to make sure he succeeds and sets a good example to our daughter.

I care for another man, who wants to be with me and who I believe can be good for me, but I can't be with him because of this mistake. But who is to say that if the guy I am with now leaves that he will actually be there for me or if he will walk away.

I am too scared to take a risk on that but I need to make so kind of change soon!!

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1 comments: to “ My crazy life

  • Pilo
    October 14, 2008 at 11:34 AM  

    Life is full of expectations and hope. Your writing was very natural and free flowing.
    Please visit mine and send me feedback. pilo


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